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Don't You Know Worrying Will Make You Unstable???

by Justin Rogers

Don’t you know Worrying?

Worrying is my nigga from round’ the block-

one time, we smoked ‘til my whole body shook-

‘til I didn’t know his name anymore &

began to mistake him for my mirror.  since then

I gave him all my best clothes

split every meal & watched his

half rot in the sink.

his cigarette butts litter my bedroom.

I smell Worrying in my sleep;

see Worrying scattered across my pillows

taste him burned into my lips.

 

*** A Prayer for anxiety ***

      I leave bits of trash from visitors

      everywhere in my house-

      I pick around them like parents afraid

      to disturb their sleeping child-

      I like being reminded that my

      friends are only human

 

            My friend says

            she had a gun to her head last week.

            She was my last visitor-

            left a half empty Pepsi &

            a plate of ashes in the

            backyard the week before that-

            adds a new Pepsi and a roach

            to the collection while she talks

            about her brains not on the floor.

 

      I fear I will discard a memory too soon-

      that I will be left cleaning brains

      with nothing to soak up the blood.

      This is not Worrying, this is being selfish.

 

            I don’t want to be selfish

            with my friend's memories.

                                                                            Amen

 

2. How Worrying will make you  doubt anything

Worrying locked himself in my house,

lived inside the walls ‘till they began to rot

& I stopped trusting the walls.

The rot began to crawl across the floor

& I stopped trusting

growth.

 

God asks about faith;

about valleys of shadows I

shouldn’t fear but the

evil looks like me & I

haven’t learned how not to fear myself

yet.

 

My body begs to sleep more.

sleep locks me in a house

where the walls are rotting &

asking me who I trust,

so I stopped trusting

myself.

             “Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”

James 1:8

            I am only hungry for the offerings

            Worrying has left rotting in the sink; for the things I can’t                       control:

            my memories.

            my double-mind.

 

            I pray everything from God

            but my mind -- I never

            ask, just

            hold Worrying like a commandment;

            This is not instability, it’s knowing

            Worrying like a childhood friend;

                like a memory

            I can’t live without.

 

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